funny jokes, youtube, and others, post here!! hahah lololol

ok funny vids, i like retarded policeman on youtube and Borat!! very nicee!! heres a joke- Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

lmao!!!!

KILLERKANE wrote:

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

lmao!!!!

Lmao !!!!

hahaha funny huh? any1 else got 1 to share??

when i go i want to be asleep like my grandfather not screaming like the passenger in his car

one night i looked up at the stars in the sky and wondered where the heck is the ceiling





i remember the time i was kidnapped. the kidnappers sent a peice of my finger to my father and my father said he needed more evidence signature emoticon

WARNING JOKE IS NOT FOR ANY ONE UNDER 18.


There were these guy's Shutup, Shit, and Manners they get in a wreck, Shit falls out of the car.The police come and ask Shutup his name he say's shutup the police man say's son don't you have any manners? Shutup replies sure he's over there picking up Shit.

heres a long one thats also PG-13.

so this dude goes to the doctor cuz hes suffering from body pains. the doc says "well, i can do a bunch of tests on you, or i can just have u piss into a cup and run the sample thru this new fangled machine we got here and find out whats wrong with ya." so the dude says, "well hell that sounds easy." so he pisses into the cup and gives it to the doctor. the doctor runs the sample thru the machine. the machine lights up, bells and whistles go off...after 5 minutes or so a paper comes out. the doctor looks at it and says, "well, it seems you have tennis elbow." the dude says, "wtf? i dont play tennis. thats bullcrap ur a quack!" so the dude goes back home saying, "im gonna get this doc good." when he gets home he gets a cup, pisses into it, gets his wife to piss in it, daughter pisses into it, he puts motor oil from his car into it and he even jizzes into it a bit. the next day he goes back to the doctor and says, "im sorry about what i said, heres another sample i pissed this morning, why dont you run it again." the doc runs the machine again. the machine lights up, bells and whistles go off...after 5 minutes or so a paper comes out. the doctor looks at it, then looks at the dude and says, "well sir, your daughter is pregnant, your wife has VD, your car needs an oil change and if you dont stop jacking off your never gonna get rid of that tennis elbow.

so 3 men were stranded on an island. they find a genie in a bottle. the genie comes out and says you have 3 wishes. the first man says i wish i was off this island and with my family. the second guy says i wish i were off this island and with my family too. the genie then turns to the third guy and says what do you wish for and he says gee i am lonely i wish my friends were back. signature emoticon

aw cmon the Boondock Saints version of that joke is waaaay funnier

wat

haha ok, its mad racist but ill post it up. someone can delete it after this.

so there were 3 guys walking along the beach, one black, one white, and one latino. they find a genie in a magic lamp, so they rub the lamp and the genie comes out. the genie grants them each one wish. the black man wishes that all of his people were back at home in afrika, the latino man wishes that all his people were back at home in latin america. the genie then asks what the white man would like. the white man says, "well, all of the blacks are gone, and all the mexicans are gone, so ill just have an apple."

as bad as it is i didnt use the same language they did in the movie

luckily I'm too retarded to understand the racist part. Don't tell me you'll ruin my lie eeer truth. or truthful statement.

Warrior Tosh wrote:

WARNING JOKE IS NOT FOR ANY ONE UNDER 18.


There were these guy's Shutup, Shit, and Manners they get in a wreck, Shit falls out of the car.The police come and ask Shutup his name he say's shutup the police man say's son don't you have any manners? Shutup replies sure he's over there picking up Shit.

lmao!!! dude thats funny! hahahahah lol

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

He did 2 3 6 7 and with 10 he has a shot gun

Never had any done to me, but thats the kinda dad im plannin on being.

I had nothing to do with your cousin last night jk

like my avatar you guys signature emoticon

love it BAM[b] Oh well never liked fido

haha poor fido

poor fi- point that gun away from me kitty

OMG dad watch out o...................o..........................ummmmm dad???????????????????????????dad

That just went straight through my hat

My avatar shows my feeling to the post above me.